Building a secure attachment with an adopted child is a nuanced process that requires intentionality, patience, and a trauma-informed approach. Drawing on the insights of leading experts in attachment and trauma—such as Dr. Bruce Perry, John Bowlby, and others—here are key principles and practical strategies parents can use:


1. Establish Routine and Consistency

  • Predictable daily routines for meals, bedtime, and activities provide structure and stability, helping children feel safe and allowing them to relax into the family environment167.

  • Consistency reassures the child that their needs will be met, which is fundamental for trust-building157.

2. Create a Safe and Nurturing Environment

  • Adopted children may have experienced trauma or disrupted attachments. Creating a physically and emotionally safe environment is crucial for healing and attachment235.

  • This includes being emotionally available, responsive, and nonjudgmental, even when the child’s behaviors are challenging234.

3. Practice Responsive, Attuned Parenting

  • Respond to your child’s cues with empathy and patience, even if their needs are not immediately clear. Over time, consistent responsiveness helps the child learn to trust and rely on caregivers27.

  • Avoid punitive or conditional love-based approaches; instead, focus on unconditional acceptance and connection45.

4. Encourage Open Communication

  • Foster honest, age-appropriate conversations about adoption, feelings, and past experiences. Allow children to share their stories and feelings at their own pace, validating their emotions without overreacting157.

  • Regular check-ins and family conversations help reinforce that their thoughts and feelings are valued17.

5. Use Play and Shared Activities to Build Connection

  • Engage in playful, positive interactions—such as games, arts and crafts, or outdoor activities—to create shared joy and reinforce attachment67.

  • Routine physical contact (hugs, cuddling, combing hair) and one-on-one time can strengthen the parent-child bond, but always respect the child’s comfort level and boundaries67.

6. Respect Autonomy and Give Space

  • Especially for older children or those with histories of disrupted care, respecting privacy and autonomy is vital. Invite them to connect, but do not force closeness—let them set the pace for relationship-building15.

7. Set Clear, Predictable Boundaries

  • Boundaries and expectations provide a sense of safety, even if they are initially resisted. Be clear, consistent, and gentle in enforcing rules, and explain changes in advance when possible57.

8. Celebrate Progress and Belonging

  • Acknowledge milestones and achievements, no matter how small, to build self-esteem and reinforce their place in the family7.

  • Display family photos, involve the child in planning activities, and leave affirming notes to reinforce their sense of belonging6.

9. Seek Support and Professional Guidance

  • Attachment-building can be complex, especially when trauma is involved. Don’t hesitate to seek counseling, join support groups, or consult with professionals specializing in adoption and trauma27.

“Experiences profoundly influence the development of young children. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) shape the brain’s organization, which, in turn, influences emotional, social, cognitive, and physiological activities… In the arms of that caregiver, that is that magic moment literally weaving together the neurobiology of all these different systems.”
— Dr. Bruce Perry3

Key Things to Remember

  • Patience and Dedication: Attachment takes time, especially for children with a history of disrupted care. Progress may be slow, and setbacks are normal. Patience and unwavering commitment are essential457.

  • Trauma-Informed Care: Understand that challenging behaviors often stem from past trauma, not willful defiance. Approach these moments as opportunities to deepen trust and connection235.

  • Unconditional Acceptance: Make it clear—through words and actions—that your love and acceptance are not contingent on behavior or achievement45.

By combining these expert-backed strategies with empathy and flexibility, adoptive parents can foster the strong, secure attachments that are foundational for lifelong emotional health and resilience.


  1. https://www.mareinc.org/articles/building-a-strong-bond-with-your-adopted-child 

  2. https://adoptuskids.org/adoption-and-foster-care/how-to-adopt-and-foster/receiving-a-placement/for ming-attachments 

  3. https://www.centerforchristiantherapy.com/post/strengthening-attachment-with-adopted-children-a-gu ide-for-parents 

  4. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/adoption-attachment-theory/ 

  5. https://evolveyouthservices.org/attachment-parenting-with-adopted-kids/ 

  6. https://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/developmental-trauma-2/ 

  7. https://www.pacesconnection.com/g/Canadian-ACEs-and-TI-Network/blog/dr-gabor-mate-and-full-po tential-parenting-even-when-it-is-hard